Sunday, July 27, 2014

Behind Closed Doors

Do you ever wonder what it's really like at some one's house?  Sure, you see their Facebook posts, their Instagram pictures, maybe even the stuff they pin to their Pinterest boards, but what's it REALLY  like at their house when they think no one is looking? 

Do they yell at their kids or are they the type to discuss poor behavioral choices with them?  Is their marriage really as great as it seems or does he hit her when dinner gets a little burnt?  Are those sweet little smiling faces you see in pictures telling the real story or just the story Mom and Dad want  to be told?

I've always loved driving through residential neighborhoods after dark just to see little snippits of real life through the windows.  I've seen people getting it on, on the couch while an old episode of Law and Order lit up the living room.

{True story.  We were stopped at a stop light in a residential part of Seattle.  I was gawking at a beautiful Tudor style house on the corner when suddenly a topless woman raised up from what I assume was a couch.  She was obviously engaged in some adult behavior, but if I'd had any questions they were quickly cleared up when the big, male hands reached up and grabbed her lady lumps at the same moment the light changed and we drove away.  I've never been so shocked and embarrassed in my life!} 

It isn't all rated R though.  I've also witnessed family game nights while walking through the streets looking at Christmas lights, and on the flip side, I've seen a woman get her face smashed through a half glass door while walking to my car after a concert.

If you were to look through my living room windows on any given night, you'd likely see me reading a book or scrolling through social media posts while the girls watch the latest episodes of their favorite Disney channel shows.  Hubs, beer in hand, usually watches the shows with them or, now that it's summertime, he sits out in the backyard watching the sun set and thinking about what a great life he has--a loving wife, 2 adorable little girls, a secure job and a house that we plan to live in forever.  I'm sure he thinks, "Man, could it get any better?" 

Yeah, right!  He's not thinking about that.  If I know my husband, he's thinking about boobs.  {He's always thinking about boobs...}

Tonight, however, I was lying down in my room with a killer headache.  I happened to look over at my phone at the exact moment that it lit up with an incoming call from my neighbor, three doors down.


"Kim!  It's Rachel.  We've got a problem.  Send your man over with his pellet gun!"

"He's on his way!"  I told her before hanging up. 

I ran to the safe, grabbed his grandfather's antique pellet gun and a box of pellets, then ran out to Hubs on the deck.  "Rachel needs you."  I said handing over the goods to him and before I knew it, he slipped on his flip flops and was running out the door with his gun like a mercenary, with no questions.

20 minutes later, the front door opens and in walks Hubs, a little sweaty and slightly out of breath.

"What happened?!"

"Well...I didn't know what I was being called to do when I left, only that I needed a gun, so I figured it was a life and death situation.  I cut through the two neighbor's yards between our house and hers, but you know that new neighbor that just moved in?  The one next door to Rachel and Clint's house.  She was outside watering her lawn and I think I might have scared her.  I mean I was running through her yard with a gun, my ammo jingling in my pocket.  I waved and said hi but she just stared at me with big eyes.

When I got to Rachel's, she told me that they had a opossum on their back fence and she wanted it gone--like, dead.  We went out back and Clint was out there watching to make sure the thing didn't get away.  I shot it once in the butt and it didn't even flinch.  I aimed and shot again, this time in the shoulder area and again, the dumb thing didn't move.  Then, like five seconds later, it fell over on the other side of the fence.  We were all kinda shocked at it's delayed death, so we went to look over the fence and there it was, just laying on it's side in some one's backyard.  Clint thought it might be playing opossum so I put the gun over the fence and shot it again, this time at point blank range in the head.  We were all sure it was dead at this point so Clint grabbed some gloves and a garbage bag and once we had it tied up in the bag we decided to take it across the street to the nature reserve to bury it. 

The funny thing was that as we came out of his garage with the opossum corpse bagged in one hand and a shovel in the other, that new neighbor was still out watering her lawn.  She looked at us so Clint nodded to her and said, "how are ya?" but she still just stared at us with her eyes bugging out of her head.  I really do think we scared her.

Anyway, we dug the hole and buried the opossum, like two legit killers really would.  And now Clint and Rachel don't have to worry about it getting Don Juan {their Dachshund}.  I'm a mercenary, babe.  How's it feel to be married to a killa?"

The real question is what was that new neighbor thinking when she got a peek into "our windows" as they ran through her yard with guns, shovels and smiling faces?

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

The One Where I Was Intimidated By A 6 Year Old

Picture it.

1:30 pm.

Last Tuesday afternoon.

I'm home alone and had just sat down to watch a Lifetime movie.

{Let's pause for a minute and just remember how Lifetime movies USED to be.  Remember when you were about 15 or 16 and you'd be watching one movie and see a commercial for another.  You'd get so excited that you'd push your over sized, round glasses up on your nose and run to your room, your big, round bangs bouncing on your forehead.  You'd head straight to the calendar you used to track your periods and quickly jot down "Lifetime 9 pm" on the day they'd advertised because you just had  to see it.  It might have been about Candace Cameron being in an abusive relationship with Fred Savage or maybe Tori Spelling was a nerd who developed a murderous obsession with the prettiest, most popular girl at school.  One of my personal favorites was when Tiffani-Amber Thiessen was a young newlywed who'd just had her first baby when she found out that her husband was a serial rapist who snuck out at night after she'd fallen asleep to commit his crimes.  Ahhh, those were the days, right?}

Sadly, this Lifetime movie didn't suck you in like those ones did, but I decided to watch it anyway.  True to form, within 15 minutes I was sound asleep.  Apparently I had managed to get myself into a very deep sleep in a very short amount of time because at 1:30 I was startled awake by two loud bangs on my front door followed by the door bell ringing 3 times.


I jumped off the couch, my heart pounding in my chest.  My first thought was, "Crap!  I fell asleep on the couch on the SAME NIGHT someone is busting in to kill us!

Then I realized it was daylight. 

My second thought was, "The SWAT team is here!"

Slowly the cobwebs started to clear from my brain.  Wait a minute, I thought.  Elinor, from down the street, knocks like that.  I started to go answer the door, but then realized that after I jumped up off the couch I had stood there for a good 90 seconds trying to figure out who was at my door; a crazed psycho killer or the poe-lice. 

She's probably gone by now, I told myself as I went into the kitchen to get some water.  {That didn't stop me from peeking around the corner just to make sure the blinds were all closed though.}

As I opened the fridge door to grab a bottle of water, Elinor knocked on the window next to the front door. 


I slammed the fridge door and threw my body against it, flat as I could.  What the heck?  Can she see me?!

I took a step forward.  What am I doing?  I wondered as I headed toward the door.  Why am I flipping out because a 6 year old is knocking on my door?  I took a few more steps only to make a quick right and run as fast as I could up the stairs and into my bedroom.  I could hear Elinor say to the front door, "Well, I guess you're not here.  I'll just come back later..."

Later?  What does that mean?  Is she threatening me?!

I peeked out the blinds and watched Elinor get on her bike and head home.  The pink ribbon in her hair was flying in the wind behind her...

Monday, July 21, 2014

While The Kittens Are Away, The Mice Will Play...

Last week the girls went to California to spend some time with Hubs' family.  While they were gone, Hubs went to work and I was left at home--alone.

Don't get me wrong, it was nice, {some might even call it lovely} but it was also quiet, boring, quiet, weird and...quiet. 

The first day I didn't even leave the house.  I spent the day reading, napping, dinking around on the interwebs and catching up on mindless reality tv shows. 

It seemed like months had passed since Hubs had gone to work that morning, so when he got home I talked his ear off about Bruce Jenner's apparent sex change.  I showed him videos and stupid pictures {what are they called gifs?  Memes?} that I'd found on the world wide web and we fried up some FANTASTIC catfish for dinner.
It was more than fantastic, it was FREAKING fantastic!  {Recipe coming soon!}

Tuesday I was a little more adventurous--I mopped the kitchen floor AND went to Target.  {You know what's weird?  Going out in public without  your kids when you've always had a kid or two with you when you leave the house.}  I spent the whole time just wandering around, aimlessly, feeling like I'd forgotten something or the kids had wandered off and I should be looking for them.  I finally bought printer paper and hamburger buns, {you know, the essentials.} then went back home to wait for Hubs to be done with work. 

Once he was, it was much like the day before.  I talked his ear off about things he COULD NOT care less about, but like a good husband, he listened and nodded even if I noticed that his eyes glazed over with boredom when I started talking about how E's Botched is connected to Bravo's The Real Housewives of Orange County.  {By the Dubrows, of course.} 

It wasn't long after that when he suggested we go for a "walk."  It turned out to be a 2 1/2 mile jog--WITH HILLS.  {I'm not a jogger.}

Needless to say...I got blisters.

Wednesday, I decided to go run a couple of errands.  I went to Pier 1 to scope some new pillows for the living room.  I returned some movies.  {By the way, Labor Day with Kate Winslet and Josh Brolin is really good!}  And Hubs surprised me by telling me he had Thursday and Friday off.  Whoo hoo! 

Thursday we went to lunch.  I had a half of a Cranberry Bog sandwich, a cup of clam chowder and a raspberry mojito.  {Coincidentally, this was the exact same lunch that I discovered I didn't care for mint in my drinks.}
The picture doesn't do it justice.  There was A LOT of mint in that drink!
Later, we decided to go to the fair, down by the lake.  We decided against the rides opting for the games, but nothing really caught our attention.  We ended up walking from one side of the fair to the other where I waited in line for 45 minutes to pee.  On the way back to the car, I pointed out to Hubs all of the people eating corn on a stick.

{About a month ago, we were at a BBQ and Hubs' friend mentioned that one of his pet peeves was seeing someone eat corn on a stick at the fair.  I thought that was the weirdest thing since I had NEVER seen anyone eat corn on a stick.  Then of course, the next time we're at the fair it's all I can see.}

{I also TOTALLY get why it grosses him out so much.  All that greasy butter smeared around their mouths.  The cob moving around as it's being gnawed on. Then they go walking around and picking their teeth.  GAG!}
Us leaving the fair...which you can't see any of...
We had planned all along to do a little hike to "the waterfalls."  That's what Hubs told me anyway...Friday ended up being the day so we got up and headed out on our "5 mile hike to the waterfalls."

Here we are at the waterfalls.
Which was 3 miles from the starting point. 
Apparently Hubs thought my math was rusty because he continued to tell me that we were hiking for 5 miles right up until the minute at the waterfall that I saw how far we'd gone on our GPS.
So, to recap, we walked a total of 6 miles to see nothing more that a creek that had a slight drop in it's bed.
And my shoes were too tight.
And now my blisters had blisters.
That night we hit a late happy hour for dinner and went to see the second Purge movie.  
{Movie Review:  It was good, just not as good as the first one.}
{Also, we overhead some high school kids talking about making the God mask for their Halloween costumes.  So that's freaky...}
Then Saturday morning we got up and drove to Oregon to pick up the girlies from Nana and Papa.  We didn't get home until yesterday afternoon so today will be spent putting stuff away, buying groceries and running a couple more errands.
If I can consume enough coffee to get myself into the shower anyway...

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

The One About The Last Day Of School Ambush

The last day of school was last Thursday.

It was only a 3 hour school day, but every kid in our neighborhood was dropped off just a little early cause us parents, we had a SECRET!

We'd spent the earlier part of the week conspiring planning via email. 

One stay at home dad was supplying Super Soakers.  Another mom filled a cooler with water balloons.  There were more water cannons than I'd ever seen.  We even filled a raft with water for refilling.

School was scheduled to get out at 11:45 which meant the bus should stop at the bottom of Canterbury Hill around 12:15. 

The bus was late.

So there we were, a handful of grown adults standing around on the side of the road armed with water guns.
I wonder what the people driving by must have thought...We passed the time by sending Smalls and Little Boy up the hill a little ways to refill our refill buckets from the raft.
FINALLY someone yelled, "BUS!"  We all took our positions.
The bus just sat there, with it's doors closed for the longest time.  {Bigs told me later that the other kids on the bus were the first to see the water guns and started shouting things like, "Awesome!"  and "I'm getting off HERE today!"  They had to wait until the bus driver got them to calm down again.}

When the doors folded open, THE WAR WAS ON!

Then Bigs spotted ME!

And I'd never been so glad to tease, "You throw like a GIRL!" 

{She missed every time and I escaped without a drop of water on me.}

The kids played for a few hours then ate the potluck style lunch that the adults contributed to.

In the words of one of our little neighbor girls, it was "like, the BEST day ever!"

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Happy Birthday, Smalls!


1st birthday

2nd birthday

3rd birthday


4th birthday

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

The One About Smalls' Birthday Party

Smalls doesn't turn four until tomorrow, but we had her birthday party last weekend.
She wanted a Brave themed party since day one, so a Brave themed party was what she got.
Lemme give you a word of advice though.  If your child INSISTS UPON chooses a party theme that has hit it's popularity peak, start shopping for decorations early. 

Don't be like me. 

Don't assume you'll make a quick trip to Party City three days before the party and come home an hour later with everything ready to hang.

The cold chill that went down my spine when I heard the word "discontinued," was a wake up call, friends.

Suddenly, I found myself with a stack of free printables from Pinterest.  With my scissors in hand and a glue bottle by my side, I got through it.
The party was at that awkward time in the afternoon where I didn't know if I should serve more of a lunch or just snacks.  I settled on having party meatballs and macaroni and cheese with fruit kabobs and an assortment of sweets.  I gave them Brave themed names like, "Lord McGuffin's Meatballs," "Fergus' Fruit Kabobs," and "Lord Mac-intosh and Cheese."  We drank "Dunbroch Brew" and for dessert, had cupcakes and/or Merida's Bulls Eye Cakes.
These were easily the highlight of the party.  The kids LOVED them!
There were a couple of activities to entertain Smalls and her little preschool friends.  They could decorate Queen Elinor crowns with jewels...

They could make Bear's Tooth Necklaces...
Here's the thing about the necklaces.  When I went to the bead store to find bear tooth or bear claw beads, I thought I'd scored finding these beauties for only $0.69 each.  It wasn't until I got them out for the party that Hubs glanced at them and asked what the heck kind of teeth I'd bought.  "They're bear fangs," I said.  "No, they're not."  He held one up.  "They're more like human teeth or horse teeth.  Look at them!"
I had been holding them upside down at the bead store.  Sure enough, they looked a lot like human teeth.  Oops.
I should have known that with a group of preschoolers the biggest draw was going to be the trampoline...


Followed closely by the swings...

Until Hubs brought out the archery stuff!

Smalls opened her presents and the party started winding down.

It was a good time and a great party, if I do say so myself!
So tonight I'll tuck my three year old in for the last time and cry, not because she's my baby and she's growing up, blah, blah, blah, but because I've already had a four year old and four year olds are HARD!!